it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
