Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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