nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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