You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
