I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
