I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
