ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
