im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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