So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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