Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
