your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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