i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
