Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
