We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
