I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
