peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
