I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize