I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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