Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
