I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
