i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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