I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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