I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
