I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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