I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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