one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
