we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
