I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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