Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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