He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
