I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I want her autograph on my taint
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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