drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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