why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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