hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
