my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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