we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
