He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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