Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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