Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
