just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
