break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
3 2 1 whiskey
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
