i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
me + whiskey = a bad person
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
