i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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