he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He passed out mid-signature
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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