i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
