We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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