I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
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i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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