YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
