what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
