connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
