Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm at about main and main street
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
