My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
