Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
