U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
