I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Where is the hickey?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
