My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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