Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
